There’s a moment that defines every parent’s journey—a shift from simply reacting to our children to truly responding. For me, that moment didn’t come in the middle of a parenting book, or learning the “right” ways to handle meltdowns, or even mastering the art of active listening. It came during a quiet meditation, where I discovered something life-changing: I was not my thoughts. I was actually the one observing them.

WHAT IT MEANS TO BE A MORE CONSCIOUS PARENT

When people think about conscious parenting, they often focus on the doing. They think, I need to be more present, listen actively, and stay calm when things get tough. While these are essential aspects, they focus on actions—without delving into the deeper question: How am I being? If we’re still operating on autopilot, these actions become just another set of tasks, rather than a true shift in our way of being with our children.

Making the shift from doing to being

The reality is that to be more conscious as a parent requires cultivating a muscle of awareness of the two aspects of ourselves.

1. There’s what I call, ‘the actor’ part of ourselves who is caught in the flow of life, reacting based on ingrained patterns, habits, and past conditioning.
2. Then there’s ‘the observer’ aspect of ourselves: the part of us that watches silently, notices without judgment, and can recognize the actor’s habitual responses. Only when we strengthen our observer muscle can we truly shift from reacting to responding in our parenting.

THE ACTOR: PARENTING ON AUTOPILOT

Most of us spend our lives in the actor mode—snapping when things feel overwhelming, bribing when we need compliance, or punishing when rules are broken. The actor responds from a place of autopilot, often repeating patterns and behaviors absorbed over a lifetime: how we were raised, cultural expectations, the subconscious pressure to have well-behaved, “successful” kids, and even stress. We don’t realize it because our brains are wired for efficiency. They rely on these automatic responses to conserve energy.

THE OBSERVER: THE POWER OF AWARENESS

But then there’s the observer—the witnessing part of us. This aspect of ourselves can step back and notice what’s happening without being swept away by it. It’s the part of us that can say, Wait a minute, why am I reacting this way? Is this truly about my child, or is it something within me? As the observer, we can recognize our own triggers and understand that our children’s behavior is often a reflection of their needs, not misbehavior or disrespect.

THE TRANSFORMATION: FROM REACTING TO RESPONDING

Here’s how growing the observer aspect of yourself can transform your parenting:

1. Breaking the Cycle of Unconscious Reactions: Neuropsychologist Viktor Frankl famously said, “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.” When operating in actor mode, we miss this space entirely. However, as you strengthen your observer muscle, you will find this space expanding. You’ll be able to see your reactions bubbling up and choose a different response—one rooted in empathy and understanding.
2. Understanding the Why Behind Behavior: Kids act out for reasons that aren’t always obvious. The actor, doesn’t look deeper. It sees behavior, and corrects it. But as the observer, instead of reacting to the surface—the whining, the outbursts—or jumping straight to consequences, you will start asking, What’s the unmet need here?
3. Recognizing Your Own Triggers: The observer will help you see that not every situation is about the child. Sometimes, it will be about you—your stress, your fears, your need for control. Becoming aware of this dynamic makes it easier to shift from reacting to responding. You’ll be able to find better solutions, especially if the problem is actually just residue from your own childhood experiences or daily stress.
4. Cultivating Emotional Wellness: As you strengthen the observer within, you’ll find yourself cultivating more patience—not because you’ve mastered a technique, but because you actually trust the process of parenting more deeply. You’ll start to crave the clarity that comes from seeing a situation in its entirety. And the more space you create for genuine connection with your child, it nourishes both you and your child on a visceral level.
5. Letting Go of Perfection: The actor in me wanted things to go smoothly. No mess, no mistakes, no challenges. But life—and parenting—doesn’t work that way. The observer, though, recognizes that it’s in the messy moments that the most growth happens. Instead of striving for perfection, you will begin to see each challenge as an opportunity to teach and to learn. Our kids don’t need us to be perfect; they need us to be present.

As the great spiritual teacher Eckhart Tolle says, “The moment you realize you are not your thoughts, you step out of unconscious patterns and into the space of true presence.”

It’s in this space of presence that conscious parenting begins.

HOW TO STRENGTHEN YOUR OBSERVER MUSCLE

So how do you cultivate this level of awareness in your own parenting? The answer is both simple and profound: practice.

• Start with Meditation: Even five minutes a day can help you begin to cultivate the observer within. Sit in stillness, notice your thoughts without judgment, and practice letting them pass like clouds in the sky. Over time, you’ll start to notice this same skill showing up in your day-to-day life, especially in your interactions with your children.
• Pause Before Reacting: In moments of stress, before you respond to your child, take a breath. Create a gap between what’s happening and your reaction. In that gap, ask yourself: What’s really going on here? Are you reacting out of habit or responding with awareness?
• Reflect on Your Triggers: Spend some time journaling or reflecting on the moments that push your buttons. What unconscious beliefs or patterns might be driving your reactions? The more aware you become of these, the easier it will be to change them.
• Practice Self-Compassion: Being the observer doesn’t mean you’ll always get it right. In fact, you’ll likely slip into actor mode more often than not—especially at first. That’s okay. What matters is that you keep practicing and show yourself grace along the way.

GO FROM REACTING TO RESPONDING

Knowing which aspect of myself is in the driver seat of my choices has been the most profound skill I’ve developed on my journey to becoming a conscious parent, which is not about perfection but about clarity and presence. It’s given me the tools to stop reacting out of old habits and start responding with intention. And it’s allowed me to create deeper connections with my child, built on understanding, empathy, and patience.

The beauty of this practice is that it’s accessible to every parent, no matter where you are on your journey. If you’re ready to begin stepping out of autopilot and into awareness, I invite you to download my free printable. I designed these 7 principles specifically to guide you in strengthening your observer perspective, helping you build a more connected, peaceful relationship with your child.