I'm a Parent Educator and an Award-Winning Storyteller on a mission to fortify Black youth with the skills they need to imagine a better future for themselves and their communities.
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There’s a moment that defines every parent’s journey—a shift from simply reacting to our children to truly responding. For me, that moment didn’t come in the middle of a parenting book, or learning the “right” ways to handle meltdowns, or even mastering the art of active listening. It came during a quiet meditation, where I discovered something life-changing: I was not my thoughts. I was actually the one observing them.
When people think about conscious parenting, they often focus on the doing. They think, I need to be more present, listen actively, and stay calm when things get tough. While these are essential aspects, they focus on actions—without delving into the deeper question: How am I being? If we’re still operating on autopilot, these actions become just another set of tasks, rather than a true shift in our way of being with our children.
The reality is that to be more conscious as a parent requires cultivating a muscle of awareness of the two aspects of ourselves.
Most of us spend our lives in the actor mode—snapping when things feel overwhelming, bribing when we need compliance, or punishing when rules are broken. The actor responds from a place of autopilot, often repeating patterns and behaviors absorbed over a lifetime: how we were raised, cultural expectations, the subconscious pressure to have well-behaved, “successful” kids, and even stress. We don’t realize it because our brains are wired for efficiency. They rely on these automatic responses to conserve energy.
But then there’s the observer—the witnessing part of us. This aspect of ourselves can step back and notice what’s happening without being swept away by it. It’s the part of us that can say, Wait a minute, why am I reacting this way? Is this truly about my child, or is it something within me? As the observer, we can recognize our own triggers and understand that our children’s behavior is often a reflection of their needs, not misbehavior or disrespect.
Here’s how growing the observer aspect of yourself can transform your parenting:
It’s in this space of presence that conscious parenting begins.
So how do you cultivate this level of awareness in your own parenting? The answer is both simple and profound: practice.
Knowing which aspect of myself is in the driver seat of my choices has been the most profound skill I’ve developed on my journey to becoming a conscious parent, which is not about perfection but about clarity and presence. It’s given me the tools to stop reacting out of old habits and start responding with intention. And it’s allowed me to create deeper connections with my child, built on understanding, empathy, and patience.
The beauty of this practice is that it’s accessible to every parent, no matter where you are on your journey. If you’re ready to begin stepping out of autopilot and into awareness, I invite you to download my free printable. I designed these 7 principles specifically to guide you in strengthening your observer perspective, helping you build a more connected, peaceful relationship with your child.
The 7 empowerment principles that every black parent should know
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