Your child comes home with a low grade on a test, clearly upset. “I studied so hard,” they say. “But I just don’t get math!” Your first instinct is to jump in with solutions—maybe extra tutoring, stricter study schedules, or more practice problems. You tell them they just need to try harder, to work through it, to fix what’s “wrong.” But what if I told you this response, though well-meaning, is rooted in a broader cultural reaction that’s more problematic than it seems?

Imagine a different situation: You’re at a parent-teacher conference, and the teacher tells you that your child has trouble sitting still in class. You feel immediately embarrassed and upset and start to plan how you’re going to address the problem at home. But what if your child isn’t the problem? What if the real issue is the classroom environment—a rigid system where all kids are expected to sit still for hours, even though we know that children learn in different ways?

Both of these moments have something in common: roots in white supremacy culture. One of the most insidious aspects of white supremacy culture is individualism—the belief that if something is wrong, it’s up to the person to fix themselves rather than addressing the larger environment or situation. We perpetuate this with our kids, and often, we do it without even thinking about it.

THE ENVIRONMENT VS. THE PERSON

Here are a few ways white supremacy culture shows up throughout our parenting and in our lives:

1. Perfectionism and Rigid Expectations: We often hold ourselves—and our kids—to impossibly high standards. We often expect kids to adapt perfectly to structured environments—sitting quietly in class or following strict schedules at home. But not all kids thrive under those conditions. When they don’t, we assume the issue is with them, not the setup they’re trying to fit into. White supremacy culture encourages systems where everyone is expected to perfectly conform instead of recognizing individual needs.
2. Overemphasis on Behavior Over Needs: When a child acts out, it’s easy to label them as “misbehaving” or “difficult.” But behavior is communication. Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with my child?” we should be asking, “What need is going unmet in this environment?” White supremacy culture teaches us to prioritize behavior modification over understanding, reinforcing the idea that the person is flawed, not the system.
3. Overemphasis on Independence: Western culture, shaped largely by white supremacy, places a heavy emphasis on independence—on pulling oneself up by the bootstraps, even in childhood. We praise kids for being “self-reliant” and encourage them to solve their own problems, sometimes to the point of neglecting the fact that they may need more guidance, more support, or even a change in their environment. This overemphasis on independence can make children internalize struggles as personal failures.
4. Stress and System Overload: Society normalizes stressful environments for children—whether it’s a classroom where all kids are expected to sit still for long periods or an overloaded schedule packed with activities. But when kids react to these stressors, instead of rethinking their environment, we often tell them to adapt and “get through it.” This focus on pushing through rather than addressing the system around them is another hallmark of white supremacy culture.

SHIFTING THE FOCUS TO FIXING THE ENVIRONMENT, NOT THE CHILD

When we stop focusing on “fixing” our children and start addressing the systems and environments they’re in, we not only free them from the burden of feeling like they are inherently flawed, but we also teach them a powerful lesson that they have the right to environments that support them. Here’s how to make that shift:

1. Normalize Struggles as Part of the System, Not Personal Failure:

Instead of seeing every misstep or challenge your child faces as something they need to “fix” within themselves, start looking at what external factors might be at play. Is there something about the environment or the system they’re in that needs to change? This might mean advocating for changes at their school, reconsidering the expectations you have at home, or even adjusting how you respond to their emotions and needs.

2. Ask Different Questions:

When your child is struggling, instead of asking, “What’s wrong with you?” try asking, “What’s happening around you that’s making this difficult?” This shift in language encourages your child to see their challenges as connected to external circumstances rather than internal deficiencies.

3. Model Advocacy, Not Just Resilience:

It’s important to teach our kids to be resilient, but it’s equally important to teach them to advocate for change when things aren’t right. Resilience without advocacy can reinforce the idea that they are responsible for “fixing” every situation they find themselves in, rather than recognizing when a system is broken and needs to be repaired.

4. Create Space for Reflection:

One of the best ways to push back against white supremacy culture in parenting is to slow down and create space for reflection. Help your child process their feelings and experiences instead of rushing to fix them or the situation. This not only fosters emotional intelligence but also allows for deeper insights into how systems and environments can be improved.

THE ROAD TO EMPOWERMENT

As Black parents, we know all too well how society pressures our children to conform to systems that were never built for their success. But we have the power to change that narrative, beginning with how we challenge the subtle ways white supremacy culture shows up in our own homes.

One of the best ways to counter white supremacy culture is to intentionally craft your culture at home. I’m here to help! Download my guide, 7 Empowerment Principles Every Black Parent Should Know, and these seven science-backed principles will help you center what’s essential, while giving your kids the tools to thrive in any environment.