I'm a Parent Educator and an Award-Winning Storyteller on a mission to fortify Black youth with the skills they need to imagine a better future for themselves and their communities.
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It starts innocently enough. Your child is sitting at the dinner table, stubbornly refusing to eat. You’ve tried reasoning, bargaining, and even a little bribery, but nothing seems to work. Finally, you hear yourself say, “There’s no tablet tonight if you don’t finish your food.” It feels instinctual—like hearing your own parent’s voice coming out of your mouth—perpetuating the belief that we need to control our kids to make sure they make good choices. After all, if we don’t step in, won’t they just keep pushing boundaries and making bad choices?
Or maybe it’s something more subtle. When your child repeatedly leaves their toys scattered all over the house, you think, What they need is a consequence that will really teach them. Deep down, many of us believe that without punishment, our kids won’t learn to be responsible for their actions.
These moments feel familiar because they stem from two deeply ingrained parenting myths that most of us don’t even realize we’re buying into:
But what if neither of these are true? What if, by believing in these myths, we’re actually making things harder—not only for our kids but for ourselves too? What if there’s a way to parent that taps into our children’s natural desire to be responsible, reflective, and connected without the need for us coming up with another consequence or arbitrary rule?
It’s so easy to fall into the trap of thinking that without control, kids spiral into chaos. We fear that if we don’t enforce strict rules, punishments, and consequences, they won’t learn how to make good choices. But here’s the truth: Good choices are a direct reflection of a person’s well-being, not their fear of punishment. Kids, like adults, make the best decisions when they feel safe, supported, and emotionally regulated.
Instead of jumping to punishment when your child makes a poor choice, try asking, What’s happening underneath this behavior? Are they hungry, tired, anxious, or feeling disconnected? Sometimes just a moment of connection can help them shift out of that stress response. And when kids feel seen and heard, they’re much more likely to cooperate.
We’ve been taught that punishment is the way to teach kids responsibility. If they don’t face consequences, how will they ever learn to be accountable, right? Actually, the opposite is true. We are biologically wired for accountability—to ourselves. When we make a mistake or hurt someone, there’s an internal mechanism that kicks in and lets us know something isn’t right. But many of us adults have become so numb to our own stress, dysfunction, and the toxicity we’ve been swimming in, that we don’t even recognize the signs of this internal struggle anymore. Our kids feel this too.
Instead of resorting to punishment, try creating an environment where kids can make amends in a meaningful way. If your child breaks a rule or hurts someone, invite them into a conversation about how they feel about what happened. Ask them how they can repair the situation and make it right. This approach teaches them to be accountable, not out of fear of punishment, but because they genuinely want to feel good about themselves and their actions.
Breaking free from these myths can feel uncomfortable at first—especially if we were raised with the belief that control and punishment are the foundation of good parenting. But we really don’t need to control or punish our kids to raise responsible, conscious individuals. Our children already have the capacity to make good choices and hold themselves accountable. They just need our guidance, support, and a well-regulated environment to thrive.
If you’re ready to take the next step toward conscious parenting, download my free printable, “The 7 Empowerment Principles Every Parent Should Know,” and learn how to shape your environment to support your child’s natural ability to grow, reflect, and thrive—with connection and not control. Together, we can raise kids who are driven by their own sense of identity and purpose.
The 7 empowerment principles that every black parent should know
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