Understanding the difference between learning and misbehaving is crucial for effective parenting. When my son was just four, something happened that I have never forgotten: this sweet little boy made a threat.

“If you don’t share that toy, then you can’t be my friend.”

Say what now?!

I overheard him talking to a friend in a way I had never heard before that day. Having been a few years into parenting more consciously, instead of getting upset — although I was certainly embarrassed — I took immediate inventory of what had happened the day before.

*cue: flashback*

We were in a toy store, and I was rushing to get our younger cousin a birthday present. Despite the pep talk we had in the car—where my son agreed to focus on just her gift—(no surprise) he was adamant about wanting a toy for himself.

I thought to handle it by explaining the consequences. I said, “If we don’t focus on getting your cousin’s birthday present, then we won’t be able to go to the party.” And I meant it literally. Time was ticking, and in Los Angeles, the 10-mile trip we had ahead of us could easily take an hour.

We rushed out of the store, made it to the party, and I didn’t think much of the conversation until this moment 24 hours later.

My four year-old hadn’t just repeated what I said, he grasped the underlying logic behind my words and was able to apply it to a new context.

SOCIAL LEARNING IS A HALLMARK OF EARLY CHILDHOOD

This is a perfect example of how young children’s brains, which are incredibly flexible and adaptable, absorb and apply information. During early childhood, their minds are in a state of heightened neuroplasticity, where they form new connections at a rapid pace. They are constantly learning from their surroundings—especially from us as parents.

The more we can recognize the signs of learning, the more we can support them. If we miss the signs, we can fall into the trap of trying to suppress or punish behaviors when the moment could be used to redirect, coach, or teach.

HERE ARE 5 COMMON WAYS KIDS LEARNING AND PROBLEM-SOLVING LOOKS LIKE MISBEHAVING

1. Using “if/then” Statements

When kids say things like “if you don’t do X, you can’t Y,” they are often trying to exert control over a situation by setting conditions. While this comes across as manipulative or controlling, it is a natural part of learning how to make decisions and understand consequences.

Replace “if/then” statements with “when/then”. “If you don’t clean your room, you can’t go outside,” becomes “When your room is clean, you’ll be free to go outside.” This evidence-based strategy models how to communicate the same cause-and-effect relationship but in a way that has better long term impact on their social skills.

2. Talking Back

While talking back can come across as disrespectful, it’s actually a sign that your child is developing critical thinking and communication skills. By challenging what they hear, they are practicing how to articulate their perspective, learning to stand up for themselves, and testing the boundaries of authority.

Acknowledging this doesn’t mean allowing disrespect; it begs you to model it. A respectful dialogue is one where they can express themselves while still understanding the importance of boundaries. You might calmly say, “I want to hear what you think, and I’ll listen to you. I need you to listen to me, too.”

3. Negotiating bedtime

Bedtime is as inconvenient of a time as ever for kids to test their limits (whew!), but negotiating is a critically important skill we don’t want to suppress or punish out of them.

Parents who understand this listen while their kids negotiate, but they don’t relax the rules—quite the opposite. They consistently reinforce them so kids learn what is negotiable and what isn’t. The more kids understand the rules, the less they actually push back against them. By not suppressing kids inclination to negotiate, you nurture the cognitive strengths they need to advocate for themselves.

4. Persistent Questioning (“why?”)

It may feel like children are being demanding or challenging authority, but constantly asking “why” demonstrates curiosity, critical thinking, and a desire to understand the world more deeply. It shows their engagement with learning and their ability to think beyond the surface.

Foster their curiosity by taking the time to answer their questions when you can, or guide them in finding the answers themselves. When you’re unable to respond immediately, acknowledge it, like, “I’m really interested in your question, let’s talk about it after I’m off the phone.” (because of course that’s when they asked!)

5. Telling Stories or Exaggerating

When children tell exaggerated stories, they are exercising their imagination, experimenting with narrative skills, and exploring the boundaries of fiction versus reality. Research shows how it’s a normal part of a child’s cognitive and emotional development.

Respond with empathy and guidance. Help kids feel safe to tell the truth by connecting with them around the underlying emotions or fears that led to the lie. This approach helps build a secure attachment and encourages children to develop a coherent and honest narrative about their experiences.

HERE’S WHAT PARENTS CAN DO TO SUPPORT KIDS LEARNING AND PROBLEM SOLVING WHILE ALSO DEVELOPING THEIR CHARACTER

Parents who live by 7 core empowerment principles learn to reinforce the skills that build kids’ character and integrity. Most importantly parents learn to fix to their environment – not their kids – to create spaces where the kids can naturally adapt, grow, and meet the expectations we set for them.