It doesn’t take long to see it. You scroll your social media feed, listen to a podcast, or read a parenting post, and these eight little words will inevitably show up: single moms can’t raise men.

Even though I’ve heard this repeated in real life, social media has it echoed and amplified. People who think this way rarely stop there. Right in the middle of writing this post, I opened a reel only to see the first pinned comment read, “single moms make convicts and corpses.” 891 likes in an hour and a fired up comment section is a small representation of the intrusion into the hearts and minds of single moms raising boys that happens on a daily basis.

THE IMPACT OF DIMINISHING SINGLE MOMS

It sends chills up my spine when I read from both men and women (the horror!) who agree. Not because I take offense as a single mom raising a son myself, but because as a parent educator I know it’s unproductive for any parent to believe they’re inadequate. Self-doubt creates worry and stress, influencing how parents are present to approach problems, set boundaries, and support their kids. It’s actually less likely for struggling moms to seek out resources, support, or education to improve their parenting skills if they believe they’re inherently unequipped.

Not to mention, this belief denies the countless stories from successful men raised by moms. It overlooks a truth about our humanity that we all should embrace: that even through our toughest challenges (like solo-parenting), with support we gain resilience and strength.  

So my response is always the same question: are you raising a ‘man’ or a human?

THE MYTH OF A UNIVERSAL MANHOOD

At its root, you could only believe that “it takes a man to raise a man” if you’re defining manhood as a singular, universal idea that applies to all boys, to which dads hold the secret key. Believing in this misses the truth that men’s behavior and the expectations placed on them differ depending on the context, like where they live in the world or what generation they’re from.

• Not Focused On What’s Essential: It makes kids value things that aren’t essential because they’re irrelevant in different contexts.
• Limits Development: It reinforces strict gender roles that can limit a boy’s self-expression, like when a boy who doesn’t play sports is told he isn’t “man enough”.
• Exclusionary: It marginalizes those who do not conform, leading to stigma and discrimination.
• Impacts Parents: It makes for a very inconsistent and potentially unprincipled way of raising kids. Parents and caregivers of any gender feel pressured to adhere to these norms, telling their boys things like they have to “man up,” stop being “soft,” or “stop crying like a girl”. 

What we do by focusing on a singular manhood is turn boyhood into a time of socialization vs. what it should be, which is a time of self-discovery.

SUCCESS DOESN’T COME FROM MEETING SOCIAL NORMS

It’s ok if boys organically meet social norms, but parents don’t need to prioritize them over what they need as human beings. Because prioritizing unessential, rigid, exclusionary social norms doesn’t prepare our kids for a world that’s constantly changing and deriving success from diverse strengths and perspectives. 

What true success looks like

We should encourage children to develop qualities that enable them to adapt, innovate, and connect with others, prioritizing their character and life skills over anything else. What all kids need to become successful adults is emotional intelligence, a growth mindset, self-discipline and delayed gratification. 

How kids learn to be successful

Kids learn resilience from caregivers who gain wisdom while overcoming their own obstacles. They learn self-regulation from parents with their own effective coping skills. Kids who have the courage to pursue their authentic purpose in life also have strong social support systems and healthy mentor-like relationships. Kids can be taught to thrive under any context when they have overall well-being and adaptability.

It doesn’t make sense that a boy who embodies character, a strong belief in himself, and authenticity wouldn’t become a successful man just because he learned those values from his mom. It’s similarly short-sighted to believe that being a woman means you can’t teach these important life skills.

WHAT BOYS NEED FROM THEIR PARENTS

Men shouldn’t fear becoming irrelevant. The narrative around uplifting and supporting Black fathers in particular is an important one. Like many outcomes of racism, Black fathers have existed primarily on the margins, and they deserve all of the attention for the important roles they play. But part of the conversation is missing if we don’t talk about how well that dad actually is. Dads matter, but for the same reason any healthy caregiver does. It’s wellness that makes the difference in parents meeting their boys’ needs — and even if there’s just one. 

What matters isn’t gender but wellness

When we think about supporting single moms it’s not to celebrate and bask in their singledom. In fact, the very idea that a woman “wouldn’t need a man” isn’t wisdom if it’s a coping mechanism.  (But that’s a conversation for another time!) We need to support single moms, especially those raising boys, because the immense responsibility they bear can deeply affect their well-being and overall health.

We need to deactivate the shame, judgements and stigmas projected onto single moms so they can navigate the complexities that come from raising boys with courage and confidence to seek the support they need.

A Wellness-Centered Approach to Successful Parenting

When it comes to fostering parental wellness as well as the life skills boys need to be successful later in life, there are 7 essential principles that I think every Black parent should know.

Parents who abide by these principles teach children to make decisions based on what is right and just, rather than giving in to what their peers do. This inner compass enables them to follow their personal passions with conviction, stand up for others, and make a positive impact on their families and communities.

If you’re like me and committed to seeing Black boys thrive in our homes, schools and communities then I made this free poster for you! You can download this beautifully-designed printable of the 7 principles, and discover practical, inspiring ways to empower your kids.