Is it just me or have you noticed it, too: our culture seems to pride itself on teaching kids to hold it all together.

We push them to excel in school, to be leaders in their classrooms, and to compete as athletes. We teach them how to navigate the world with strength, grit, and resilience. But the truth is, while our kids may be doing it all, they’re often doing it with significant hidden costs to their well-being.

THE HIDDEN TOLL OF ACHIEVEMENT

1. Mental Health Strain: 3.2 million adolescents aged 12 to 17 had at least one major depressive episode in 2020, linked to academic stress, as reported by the National Institute of Mental Health.
2. Physical and Emotional Burnout: 60% of high school athletes said they felt overwhelmed by the pressure to perform when surveyed by the National Federation of State High School Associations. Now physical injuries, mental fatigue, and emotional drain are affecting kids at even younger ages.
3. Weakened Family Bonds: 40% of parents feel that their children spend less quality time with them, according to the Pew Research Center, due to time spent on homework and extracurricular activities.
4. Social Isolation: 1 in 4 children feel lonely, with many parents in the Mott Children’s Hospital Survey indicating that it’s due to their children’s busy schedules.
5. Perfectionism: 45% of adolescents display perfectionistic behaviors, according to a study published in Personality and Individual Differences, making it harder for them to cope with failure.
6. Diminished Self-Worth: 46% of teens report feeling that their self-worth is tied to their achievements in a survey by the American Psychological Association.

Understanding the Importance of Emotional Support

We want our kids to have the mental and emotional fortitude to weather life’s challenges, but it’s crucial to understand that our responses to their struggles can have lasting effects into adulthood. When we inadvertently dismiss their emotions or prioritize achievement over connection, we reinforce feelings of shame, perfectionism, self-doubt, and low self-worth. Kids learn that achievement is paramount, yet without the emotional scaffolding to support them, their goals can become a heavy burden rather than a source of pride.

As parents, we have a unique opportunity to change this. The road ahead requires us to shift our focus from merely pushing our kids to succeed to ensuring they have the emotional foundation to sustain their achievements. Through this shift, we can help foster a generation that is not only capable but also resilient, fulfilled, and well-rounded.

A BLUEPRINT FOR THE SUPPORT KIDS TRULY NEED

Addressing this urgent need, I created a comprehensive empowerment framework: “The Black Parenting Blueprint.” It turns science-backed, timeless wisdom into 4 actionable steps parents can take in every day life. As a peek into my forthcoming book, I’m explaining the essential empowerment principles that bring this transformational framework to life.

I truly believe that if you get these 7 principles—you get everything.

You will raise children who aren’t just holding it together, but thriving with purpose, and character. Let’s dive into what these principles look like and how they can change the game for our families.

THE 7 ESSENTIAL PRINCIPLES

Inner Power

Inner power is something we all have, derived from our source, unique strengths, abilities, and creative potential. How we parent can either amplify our kids’ knowledge of their own inner power or limit them to pursue external power, what the world offers in the form of rewards and validation from people outside of themselves. It just takes one loving adult to reinforce a consistent and clear enough understanding of a kid’s inner power for them to believe and trust in it too. This happens when parents:

• Meet kids’ obstacles with the spirit of adventure vs. anxiety or fear.
• Don’t solve kids’ problems for them.
• Intentionally create opportunities for kids to demonstrate their strengths.

Kids who are aware of their inner resources develop trust in their abilities. They take chances and fearlessly pursue their goals.

Authentic Expression

Every parent wants their kids to grow into adults who are true to themselves and who can confidently express how they feel. It all starts at home. Parents can either create environments that make it safe to be open and authentic or inspire a fear of punishment, judgment, and rejection where kids end up hiding their true feelings and conforming to what they believe other people want to hear or see in order to belong. Kids need to know that their voice matters and has value. This happens when parents:

• Don’t panic at the potential discomfort of kids’ honesty or punish it.
• Listen actively and validate kids’ experiences.
• Proactively create opportunities and spaces for their kids to be heard.

Parenting by this principle is more than just accepting kids’ unique personality traits; it’s allowing space for their feelings and encouraging open communication from the heart.

Relational Leadership

Relational leadership is a completely different way of looking at the role of a leader as more than an authority figure who uses fear or expects blind obedience to their commands. Beneath that perspective is the misguided idea that we need to be controlled to do the right thing. Good choices are a function of character (integrity) and well-being, both of which are nurtured through connection with one healthy adult. Maintaining connection in the parent-child relationship helps parents lead with guidance as opposed to dominance. This looks like:

• Creating the appropriate systems and boundaries so kids can succeed – not blaming them for failing in a dysfunctional environment.
• Looking for the needs underneath children’s behavior as opposed to focusing on the specific way they are communicating the need.
• Seeking to understand kids’ behavior by asking more questions vs. acting from judgments based on how you might view a situation.

The result is harmony at home; a relationship based on mutual respect between individuals who maintain their uniqueness. Children follow their parents because they trust them – not because they are forced to obey.

Graceful Consequences

During childhood, it’s developmentally appropriate for kids to be inconsistent and error-prone. Mistakes and missteps are all a normal part of them discovering how to navigate different people, new environments, and new rules. What we want is for them to learn from their mistakes and recognize the impact of their choices. It’s grace that inspires that kind of wisdom and makes kids feel safe enough to be accountable. Parents who give consequences with grace:

• Know what’s developmentally appropriate so they don’t punish kids for what’s normal or inevitable.
• Don’t identify kids as their mistakes as if they are unchangeable personality flaws.
• Have themselves a growth mindset that sees unwanted behavior as fixable with new boundaries, skills, or awareness.

How we handle consequences is evidence of our principles in action. In any given moment, you’re either connecting and trusting in kids’ power or succumbing to your triggers, fears, and projections.

Inherent Worth

Children deserve to know that they are inherently worthy of feeling and receiving love, independent of their circumstances, identity, achievements, or behavior. It’s a parent’s unconditional love that models and communicates this first. We only need to reflect on our own lives to realize that, over time, our parents’ voices often became indistinguishable from our own. Kids’ internal dialogue can either be uplifting, supportive, graceful, and empowering, or it can be critical, damaging, and fixed. Parents who know this:

• Don’t talk negatively about themselves, their bodies, or their circumstances.
• Affirm and celebrate their kids’ efforts, not just their achievements.
• Light up around their kids so a core part of their identity is derived from how they experience feeling valued and enjoyed.

It’s more than helping kids feel good about themselves. Worthiness makes kids feel safe to be vulnerable and create boundaries that honor what they need.

Joyful Growth

You agree to a road trip traveling from where you are to where you want to be. And even though 99.9% of the way you’re not there yet, would you spend that time being mad? Teaching your kids to live by the mantra “joy is in the journey” helps to ensure they live a courageous, purposeful life. After all, there’s more time spent in the act of learning, discovering, or even failing vs. at the destination or milestones that come up along the way. If kids don’t find joy in the process, their lives can become a series of missed moments and unfulfilled experiences. Parents who know this:

• Normalize challenges as opportunities for growth and wisdom.
• Are open about their own struggles and share them in everyday moments 
• Connect their kids with mentors and coaches who instill character over competition.

Parents who teach their kids to approach growth as joyful empower them to be confident, empathetic, and resilient leaders, equipped with a strong sense of their purpose and what’s possible.

Reflective Empowerment

One of the ways that adults unknowingly disempower kids is also the simplest to fix. We impose our ideas about time and timelines that limit the learning process by skipping a crucial step. Giving kids the appropriate time to reflect on their choices, make meaningful connections, and draw insights from their experiences is literally how they learn. Parents who know this:

• Normalize slowing kids down so they have “boring,” unstructured, screen-free time.
• Ask open-ended questions that force kids to consider and articulate various feelings and perspectives.
• Always require repair but never force apologies.

Reflective empowerment gifts kids with the power that comes from resolving and regulating their emotions, developing critical thinking, and mastering lifelong social-emotional skills.

HOW TO PARENT BY THESE PRINCIPLES

Knowing these principles is just the first step—staying accountable and consistent is where the real magic happens. Below, you can get instant access to a free printable poster of the principles and a checklist for you to keep these powerful items at the forefront of your parenting journey.

Download them today to feel more empowered, more intentional, and more aligned with the parent you want to be.