I'm a Parent Educator and an Award-Winning Storyteller on a mission to fortify Black youth with the skills they need to imagine a better future for themselves and their communities.
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It’s a Saturday morning, and you’re finally getting some much-needed time to relax with a cup of coffee. Cue: your kids. They run in, not only ignoring this moment of zen, but also making incessant demands for… candy. “Mom, can I have candy for breakfast? Please? Just this once!” You’re trying to keep your cool, but before you know it, you blurt out, “If you keep asking, you won’t get candy at all today!”
Sound familiar? It’s one of those moments where you’re trying to do anything just to put an end to the whining. But here’s the thing—it might seem like you’re setting a clear rule, what you’ve really done is issue an ultimatum. And while ultimatums can be effective at getting kids’ attention in the short term, they don’t do much to empower our kids towards independence where the boundaries we instill become the values that they live by.
Ultimatums are about control—they’re a way to quickly assert authority and end a behavior. “If you don’t do this, then that will happen.” It’s the “because I said so” of parenting. They often come across as arbitrary and can lead to resentment or power struggles. These kinds of demands focus on immediate compliance rather than long-term understanding.
Boundaries, on the other hand, are about values. They help children understand the reasoning behind the rules. Instead of saying, “If you don’t stop asking, no candy for you,” a boundary would be, “In our family, we value healthy eating, so we don’t have candy before breakfast.” The focus shifts from a battle of wills to a conversation about family values and why certain rules exist.
When you set a boundary, you’re not just trying to stop a behavior. Boundaries tie actions to values, so your child learns the bigger picture. For example, if you value kindness, your boundary might be, “We speak to each other respectfully in this house, and that means no name-calling.” Your child isn’t just learning what not to do; they’re learning how to treat others.
Research in the journal Parenting: Science and Practice shows that children who understand the reasons behind rules are more likely to internalize them and behave in ways that align with those values, even when no one is watching. That’s the goal—not just compliance, but true understanding and self-regulation.
Ultimatums often lead to pushback because they feel like a challenge. Kids might comply out of fear or defiance, but it doesn’t build a sense of mutual respect or cooperation. Boundaries encourage kids to think about their choices.
When children understand the purpose behind a boundary, they’re more likely to cooperate because they see it as fair and consistent. They feel respected, and in turn, they’re more likely to respect the rules. This approach fosters a sense of teamwork rather than opposition.
Children thrive on consistency. When they know what to expect and understand the reasons behind the rules, they feel more secure. Setting healthy boundaries for kids provides that consistency—they’re predictable and tied to values that are steady over time. This stability helps children feel safe, which is crucial for their emotional development.
A 2018 study in the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry found that children raised in environments with clear, consistent boundaries were more likely to develop emotional resilience. They were better able to handle stress and less likely to exhibit anxiety or behavioral problems.
Now that we know why boundaries are more effective than ultimatums, here are 5 steps to set them:
What’s important to you as a family? Respect, honesty, responsibility? These values should be the foundation of your boundaries.
Explain the boundary and the value behind it. Use language your child can understand. For example, “We value honesty, so it’s important to always tell the truth, even when it’s hard.”
Boundaries need to be steady. If the rule is that screen time only happens after homework is done, stick to it. Inconsistency can confuse children and make boundaries feel arbitrary.
Kids learn by watching. If you want them to respect boundaries, show them how you respect your own. This might mean turning off your phone during family meals because you value connection.
Boundaries should be firm but not rigid. As children grow and situations change, it’s okay to adjust the boundaries to fit new circumstances. The key is to keep the values intact.
Helping your child understand what your family values is a powerful way to teach them about cooperation and emotional security. But I know it’s not always easy to stick to those values the moment, especially when tensions are high.
That’s why I’ve created a free printable poster and guide for parents—the 7 empowerment principles every Black parent should know. It’s a simple resource to help you parent in a way that consistently reflects your values. Download it, keep it handy, and use it as a tool to help you navigate those tricky parenting moments with confidence.
The 7 empowerment principles that every black parent should know
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