I remember working with a mom who, after years of trying to get her teenager to help out around the house with no changes, said her son was ungrateful and lazy. She was convinced that her teenager just didn’t care and was deliberately being difficult.

As we talked, it became clear that she was expecting his behavior to change because of their conversations, while nothing about the environment she had created at home had changed. In the past, whatever he missed doing, his mom would step in and do it herself. He had learned that his mom would always pick up the slack, and his mom, without realizing it, had taught him that his contribution wasn’t really necessary.

THE HABIT OF TRYING TO “FIX” THE CHILD

This scenario is common. As parents, it’s easy to get frustrated and want to label our kids’ behavior—lazy, ungrateful, stubborn. But often, we overlook the role the environment plays in shaping their actions.

Children are highly sensitive to their surroundings. They pick up on adult expectations, and their emotional states. If a child is struggling, it’s not because they have a personality flaw; it’s because in some way the environment isn’t meeting their needs.

So before you jump into trying to fix your child’s behavior, consider these five questions to help shift your focus from their behavior to understanding how their environment may be influencing it.

5 QUESTIONS THAT SHIFT THE FOCUS FROM FIXING THE KID TO FIXING THE ENVIRONMENT

1. Have I created clear expectations?

It’s easy to assume kids know what’s expected of them, but do they really? Just like adults, kids need clear, concrete expectations. For instance, instead of saying, “You need to help more around the house,” say, “I expect you to take out the trash every Monday and Wednesday and clean your room by Friday evening.” When expectations are vague, kids can feel overwhelmed or uncertain, which often leads to inaction.

Without structure, it’s likely the child isn’t sure what they need to do or when. This doesn’t mean they are being difficult on purpose—it means they’re missing the clarity they need to be consistent.

2. What patterns have I reinforced?

Think about the patterns that might exist in your household. Often, without meaning to, we reinforce behaviors in our kids by constantly stepping in when they don’t follow through. Take the mom in the story above—by always completing her son’s chores when he didn’t, she sent the message that he didn’t need to be responsible because someone else would handle it. Kids are quick learners. If a pattern has been reinforced, they’re simply responding to what they’ve been taught.

Ask yourself: Have I unintentionally taught my child that their behavior doesn’t really need to change?

3. Is the Environment Conducive to What I’m Asking For?

If we’re asking kids to change their behavior, but the environment stays the same, it’s like expecting a plant to double in size while keeping it in the same pot. Ask yourself: is there a consistent routine? Are there tools or systems in place to help your child stay organized? Do they have the physical space and emotional support to meet the expectations?

For example, if you want your child to clean their room, but they don’t have proper storage, it’s going to be hard for them to succeed. Or, if you want them to improve academically, but the home is chaotic and noisy during study time, that environment isn’t setting them up for success.

4. Am I Modeling the Behavior I Want to See?

Kids absorb what we do, more than what we say. Are you modeling the behavior you expect from them? If you want your child to handle frustration calmly, but you’re quick to lose your temper when things go wrong, your actions are communicating more than your words ever will.

Take a moment to reflect: Are you showing your child how to meet the expectations you’ve set? If we want them to be responsible, accountable, and kind, we have to make sure we’re embodying those traits ourselves.

5. What Need Is Underneath the Behavior?

One of the most important shifts we can make as parents is to stop seeing behavior as something to fix and start seeing it as communication. Every behavior has a need behind it. If your child is acting out or not following through, it’s worth asking: What need is going unmet here?

Is your child feeling disconnected from you? Are they struggling with something at school? Are they overwhelmed by the tasks in front of them? When we get curious about the need underneath the behavior, we can approach the situation with more empathy and less frustration.

BEHAVIOR IS A RESPONSE, NOT THE PROBLEM

Instead of seeing unwanted behavior as something that needs correction, think of it as a signal—a clue that points to something deeper in the environment that needs your attention. Shifting your focus this way allows for long-term changes that build trust, connection, and responsibility.

If you’re ready to shift from quick fixes to lasting solutions, it’s time to focus on the environment you’ve created for your child.

Download my free guide to help you stay on track in building a home environment where your child can thrive, develop accountability, and feel truly understood.